Hands

Last night I had a patient. She was in her 80’s. Fell and broke her hip. I can’t give too many details, but she is blind and deaf, and to top it all off she has another preexisting conditions that made things difficult.

From the moment I walked in her room she was on the defensive. Hey, I would be too. Imagine being blind and deaf. Every time someone touches you it startling. You constantly have no idea what is going on, who is near you, or where you are. She was agitated. She was angry. She had fire in her eyes, yet they were icy blue. I made sure to touch soft, touch warm, touch reassuring. My hands on her hands were the only sense she had of me. It literally broke my heart to have her swat at me when I tried to fix her blankets, or keep her from pulling at her IV.

It felt like I was fighting with her all night. Getting her to take her pills was a nightmare. In the end, she did finally take them, but instead of swallowing, she sucked on them. Not exactly tasty.

The only thing that seemed to calm her down was when I held her hand. But soon she would realize I was the one fidgeting with something in my other hand, and the swoop of the arm would come.

This moment made it all worth it though: I went in around 2am. I needed to fix her oxygen and as soon as I touched her, she roused. When I was done I took her hands in mine. Holding both her hands she knew I had no other way to annoy her. She squeezed my hands. I rubbed my thumbs over her spidery veins. When I went to pull away she squeezed more. So I sat. On the edge of her bed, we held hands. I stayed there for a while until I felt the freedom of sleep loosen her hands. I stayed still. It’s been a long time since I’ve held hands with someone who needed that comfort. In a way though, she was the one comforting me. It was like she was saying to me, “I’m sorry I’ve been fighting you all night, I know you’re trying to help me, but I’m lost inside this body.”

The night went on and all sorts of atrocious things happened, but that moment kept me going. I think it will keep me going for a while.

Hold hands with someone today.

Don’t let those moments slip away.