This is what I know.

I know it is Christmas Eve, and I sit here alone. I'm on-call. Not many patients want to be in the hospital on Christmas. I know this is the first Christmas I've never been with my family. It's strange because it doesn't even feel like Christmas at all. I know there will be other Christmases with family, but I can't help but miss them all. Even though I will get to have Christmas dinner with a a wonderful friend's family, it won't be the same. Not bad, just different. This time of year is always hard for me. Although I love Christmas and everything it means, I can't help but think of others who are less fortunate than I, or families that aren't together for one reason or another. Maybe there was a miscommunication or past hurt feelings. Whatever it is, wouldn't Christmas be the perfect time to heal it? I know Christ can heal all things, and sometimes I wish we would all just let Him.

I know that I'm in love. I'm in love with Sydney Marie. 5lbs that have completely won me over. I know she is loved. I know her mama is the best and I know her Grandma is totally smitten with her. I know it killed me to leave them all last week. I know her squeeks and the way she stretches when I un-swaddle her. I know I wouldn't trade knowing these things for the world. I know I paid way too much money to buy an airline ticket just to know these things, but knowing her far surpasses any amount of money. I know being there for my sister in a scary time has never meant more to me. I know being a nurse has never felt so good. I know my

sister and I will share a special bond over this experience and I hope I get to do it with every baby of hers and she with mine. I know I felt such happiness seeing my mom hold her granddaughter, just hours old. I know we could all feel the pain my sister was feeling, though we weren't actually experiencing it. Something about the people you love, when they hurt, you hurt. When they cry, you cry. And when they smile, you smile. I know it's this crazy connection God gave us when we were all sewn together with blood and sinews in our mother's womb. It's that connection that makes us family. It's that connection that makes us hurt each other sometimes. Or take it for granted. It's that connection that keeps us together.

So, Merry Christmas to all. Share time with your family and friends. Love them. Know them. Heal wounds, new and old. Accept each other. Anything that is inhibiting your family connection needs to be done away with. Time is short. Life should not be taken for granted. Reconnect with what you KNOW.

From now on we all will be together

If the fates allow

Hang a shining star upon the highest bow

And have yourself a merry little Christmas now

If You Want Me To

*You can listen to this song. Just click on the play button in the playlist at right"

The pathway is broken

And The signs are unclear

And I don't know the reason why You brought me here

But just because You love me the way that You do

I'm gonna walk through the valley

If You want me to

Cause I'm not who I was

When I took my first step

And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet

so if all of these trials bring me closer to you

Then I will walk through the fire

If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen

When you lead me through a world that's not my home

But You never said it would be easy

You only said I'd never go alone

So When the whole world turns against me

And I'm all by myself

And I can't hear You answer my cries for help

I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through

And I will go through the valley If You want me to

*This song has a lot of meaning to me right now. As many of you know the transition I've been in the past few months has been hard emotionally, physically, and spiritually. This song gives me reassurance that I'm here for a reason. I grow stronger every day, and other days I just have to cry, and that's okay. I know my God is with me and for now that's what I'm trusting in.*