Sometimes I Wonder.....

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever have a normal sleep schedule again.  When I have days off and I switch back to a normal schedule (whatever that is) I sometimes think to myself, "Hey, I just slept three nights in a row, at night, when it was dark."  Before I worked nights I used to be an early morning person.  I naturally woke up early, put the coffee on and sat in perfect silence for a while before the day started swirling around me.  Now, if I didn't set an alarm I could sleep until 10:30 am and not blink an eye, literally.  I am no longer a morning person.  I miss it.
Sometimes I wonder if I didn't have music if I would be the same person I am now.  Somehow music brings out this completely internal side of me.  I went for a drive today.  I didn't make it to church because of working last night.  So I went to the mountains, the best place to find a peaceful Jesus.  I parked at a great view and cranked the music. 

"Behold the Man upon a cross
My guilt upon His shoulders

Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice

Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there

Until it was accomplished

His dying breath has brought me life

I know that it is finished."

Such beauty in those words.  Had they just been spoken, I don't know if they'd have the same magnitude.  But when sung, my heart falls to joyful tears.

Sometimes I wonder why things happen the way they do.  That's not vague at all(insert sarcasm).  Why the kindest people are diagnosed with cancer.  Why the rich CEO wins the lottery.  Why the desires of our hearts seem to never be fulfilled.  I believe in a great God, but that doesn't mean I understand Him.  I find myself sometimes rearranging the way things are in my head.  

Sometimes I wonder if the kids I nannied for in college remember me.  I think of all of them all the time.  I have such quirky, funny memories of them.  They are one of my happy places I go in my mind when things are too hard.  I relish the times when one of my pediatric patients needs to be fed or wants me to hold them.  I miss playing cars, making forts in the basement, playing baby dolls, or taking batman to the park.

Sometimes I wonder.  I wonder about a lot of things.  These are just a few on my mind today.  This Easter is a little bittersweet.  It's different when you're not with family or not following through with regular tradition.  So today, I'm going to go outside, plant my lavender that my mother gave me.  I'm going to plant it in honor of new life, because after all, that is what today is all about.