Goodbye

Saying goodbye is really hard for me.  Even when it's just going to be a few months until you see that person you love so much.  It's still really hard.  I've have a lot of goodbyes in my life, you would think I would be able to handle it by now, but it's still hard.


My sister and baby niece were in town for a while recently.  They came to visit me in Montana.  I was so proud to show them my life, my home, and throw a dirty diaper in my garbage can.  I went home for the weekend to spend more time with them.  When it came the night before I had to leave, I became so sad.  The next time I see my niece, Sydney, she may be rolling over, she may be smiling way more than she does now.  I hate missing my family so much.

Or seeing my Lucy and Molly last weekend.  These girls and their parents were and are such a huge part of my life while I was in college and now.  Their expressions when they see me are priceless.  The way they run and give me hugs.  The way they want to show me new things they can do or tell me they named their doll, "Kelsy."  It makes it so hard to leave.  What am I going to miss while I'm gone?

When I was in Sierra Leone, W. Africa working in an orphanage during college the goodbye was awful.  The night before we left, I lay in bed listening to the kids singing songs and thought, maybe we could just leave now, in the dead of night, no goodbyes, just go.  I can't face the pain in their eyes, the tears streaming down my face.  How cowardly I was to think I could get off that easy.


Sometimes I find myself wanting to rip the band-aid off and getting the goodbye over with.  I end up leaving home two hours earlier than I planned because I can't sit still waiting to leave.  Or even thinking in my mind that maybe I should go or see someone special because inevitably it will lead to a goodbye.  Wow, I need to work on this.

A few weeks ago I had a patient who I cared for for several days in a row.  I became very close to her family and her.  She was dying.  I knew I would never see her again once I left work for my few days off.  I pondered all night about what I would say when I left in the morning.  What do you say?  I ended up saying something stupid like, "You're a wonderful patient and I've loved taking care of you."  I wish I had just hugged her and not said any words.


Goodbyes are hard.  You feel terrible for a while, and then somehow the sandpaper of life wears down the roughness.  I hope I get better at it in time.  I'm sure you feel goodbyes are hard too.  I know I'm not alone in this. 


"Better to have loved and lost, than to never loved at all."