It's Heavy

There are times in my work that it becomes heavy.  I find in times like this I need more time to recuperate after my shifts are through and I have a few days off.  Usually I can get a few hours of sleep in, then get up around lunch and be a pretty productive person.  I run errands, get groceries and make some good food. 

But there are times when I’m not very productive.  I sit on the couch eating cereal and drink tea.  Watch the day turn into night.  I need time to sit and mull, like a good cider.  Not sad.  Not depressed.  Just need time to think about what I did the past few days.  Many times while I’m at work I don’t have time to process or really take in the emotion or meaning of what I’m doing.  It’s really easy to get in this mode of detaching from myself and my heart, especially when I know there is no place or time for it that night.

My XXyr-old patient slipping into a state of unconsciousness.  The pressure in his brain too much.  Sending him to the ICU.  He passed away last night.

My X-month old patient crying because he’s hungry.  But I have to leave him in there because the ultimate test we’re trying to figure out is how long it takes mom to wake up and meet his needs.  This is what I have to find out to report to Family Services this morning.  I give her 10 minutes of his wailing, she doesn’t wake.  I detach from my disbelief at this.  I pick him up, get him going on his Pedialyte.

My dying patient declining a blood transfusion she so badly needs.  She’s done.  She’s tired.  She just wants to die. 

Sometimes you just need to mull.  Sneak back in to yourself and touch base with those emotions.  If I don’t, I know they will creep up on me and explode in a tearful phone call to my mother.  So I sit.  Think.  Mull.  Let it soak in to the part of me that is all nurse.  I take these emotions and let them shape me, make me better.  Take the weight of it all and use it to make me sturdy, strong enough to stand up underneath it all.