10 secrets this nurse shouldn't tell you...

1. Between 0200-0400 in the morning, all I can think about is fast food.  When I drop trash into the garbage can of my patients room and I see a McDonalds bag and the smell of stale fries wafts out, I have to hold back from checking to see if there's any left.  And I don't even like McDonalds, unless I'm super hungry that is.  I daydream about Arby's curly fries, or a Taco Bell crunch wrap supreme.  Mmmm fast food...
2. I often have to hold back my laughter while dealing with certain patients because I just can't believe the things people say sometimes.  I've found that people are very uninhibited while in the hospital.  Telling super nasty jokes, talking about their bowel habits (I pretty much walk into that one when I ask people, "Are you passing gas?"), or telling me about their hallucinations when they've had one to many Percocet.
3. You may be the coldest most unhappy patient ever.  You may act like nothing I do to help you does.  You may frustrate me to no end.  But that will only make me work harder for you.  I will see you as a mountain to climb and when I've reached the top, and I've won you over, I will walk home knowing I didn't give up on you.
4. I might sneak into your room while your sleeping and watch you breath.  It makes me feel better and if you wake up while I'm doing this and say "Yes?" I will lie and say, "Oh I was just making sure your room was warm enough."
5. Nurses must talk about our patients together.  It's how we cope.  Whether a patient is being absolutely hilarious or completely rude and belligerent, we will talk about it.  What else are we supposed to do at 3 o'clock in the morning?
6.  I suggest if you are a women, that you should let your hair grow long and gray when that time comes.  Someday when you're in the hospital your nurse will honor you for letting yourself age gracefully and she may even fix your hair up nice and pretty.
7. At first I may think it sweet that you call me "babe," but when you start requesting me as your nurse and say "If only I was twenty years younger," or "Where were you twenty years ago?' I may get creeped out.  Besides, try more like 40 years ago buddy...how old do you think I am?!
8. When you are in excruciating pain, I'm not ignoring you.  You may feel like I'm moving like a slug, but I'm not.  I'm on the phone with pharmacy telling them to put you orders in stat.  I'm fumbling with equipment trying to go as fast as I can to provide you some kind of relief.  Be patient, I'm going as fast as I possibly can.
9.  Contrary to what some sweet little old ladies think, I don't sleep while I'm at work.  I know I work the night shift, but that doesn't mean I'm in the room next to yours sleeping until you push the call light and wake me up.  I've had so many people ask if they woke me up when I come into there room or apologize for bothering me while I sleep.  Nope, can't sleep while I'm a work, just wouldn't be right.  Don't worry people, you won't wake me up.
10.  If you ever feel just like a number to your nurse (a good nurse that is), don't.  You're not a number.  I know your name.  I was there when the man you love, the father of your children, died.  I remember when they told you of the cancer growing in your stomach that couldn't be cured.  I still check up on you and your recovery even though I'm no longer your nurse.  I haven't forgotten you.  I cried for you then, and I still cry for you now in pure sadness, in joy, and elated happiness.